


Of Breaking and Building

by Applesandbannas747



Category: Fence (Comics)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-04
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:34:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24531619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Applesandbannas747/pseuds/Applesandbannas747
Summary: Nick doesn't know what broke when he crumples, only that something is very,verywrong. But, even less expected than the breaking is the relationship that starts building because of it.
Relationships: Nicholas Cox/Seiji Katayama
Comments: 182
Kudos: 198





	1. Chapter 1

It was the look on Seiji’s face that scared Nick. The split second of pure terror splashed across his teammate’s fine features rattled Nick down to his core. He hardly even registered the pain, intense and briefly bright though it was, it wasn’t what his mind had chosen to focus on in the moment before he crumpled. Because if Seiji Katayama looked _that_ terrified, there was a good reason for it.

There was Seiji’s terrified face. Then there was nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all are fucking killing me babes. I can't say for sure because I've got a shit memory but I'm pretty sure this is the most kudos I've ever gotten on a first chapter and it is cracking me up. Like...so many of you read that ominous 80-word chapter and were just like 'ah yes, I'm sure this is going good places' XD i love you guys <3

Nick woke up with heavy, achy eyes that didn’t want to open yet. Come to think of it, he felt achy all over. Something, he could tell, wasn’t right. But he didn’t really want to deal with it yet. So he didn’t. Heavy eyelids got their way and stayed closed. Achy muscles got their way and stayed still. Sleepy brain got its way and slugged through thoughts slowly.

He remembered…he’d been in the gym. At school. And he’d been fencing Seiji. Yeah, that was right. Seiji. There was something here, he knew it. Nick strained his sleepy brain, kicking it and making it work a little harder, a little faster.

He remembered Seiji’s determined face behind his mask. It always looked like that. And Nick had been holding his own. As best was possible against Seiji, anyway. Better than he usually did. A good bout so far. He’d gotten two hits on Seiji. Seiji had had…six on him. He thought. Nick remembered Seiji’s épée flying at him fast for his seventh hit. It had landed. Hard and right at Nick’s collarbone. That had hurt—he could feel the bruise, isolated from the rest of the pain now that he’d singled it out in his mind—even now. Seiji hit like he meant to kill. Asshole.

Things got blurry after that. Nick remembered the hit. And a sharp snapping sound. The way Seiji’s blade arm slipped up, his body jolted forward, carried by momentum. And Seiji’s face. Nick suddenly couldn’t see anything but the raw fear on Seiji’s face. It made his heart beat fast just to recall it, to remember how wrong it had looked on Seiji. How frightening it was to see Seiji look like that, especially in his element. Seiji wasn’t meant to look like he was scared of anything. Not ever. Especially not while fencing.

Nick’s neck shot a stab of pain through him and, finally, he opened his eyes. He remembered that pain, too, though more vaguely than he remembered Seiji’s face. Just above his collarbone. Right where Seiji’s blade—somehow impossibly sharp—had landed. And then, judging by the blank in Nick’s memory and the ache all over his body, Nick had fallen to the ground, following closely after the protected but broken tip of Seiji’s épée.

 _I could have…_ the truncated thought mixed with the image of Seiji’s face and it all made Nick feel like he’d rather enjoy blacking out again. The room he was in only made him more convinced that he didn’t want to be awake. All sterile and white and small and strange-smelling and full of beeps and wires. It felt claustrophobic. Nick didn’t have any particular fear of hospitals; he’d never had any reason to develop a fear of them since he’d never had any reason to be in one. But now that he was here, he didn’t like it.

“Oh good, you’re awake,” a smiling nurse said, coming into the room only seconds after Nick had opened his eyes. Did they have cameras in here or did she just have spidey-senses? She started bustling around the room, checking on things. And on Nick. “There’s no real damage, that’s the good news. You’ll heal right up, easy as that.”

“What’s the bad news?” Nick croaked, neck smarting a little from the shifting it took to speak. The nurse laughed, and it was a nice sound. Reassuring.

“Nothing too bad, Nicholas, don’t worry. I’ll call in the doctor if you’d like, but all you need to worry about is taking it easy and recovering. Not so bad, right?”

Taking it easy and recovering… “I’ll be able to fence again, right?” Nick asked suspiciously. “It doesn’t—this wouldn’t impair that, right? I mean, no torn ligaments or anything, yeah?”

“You’ll be good as new,” the nurse promised. “But we’ve suggested to your coach that you get clearance from a medical professional before returning to your training.”

Nick groaned. This was a setback.

“Bit of a bummer, I know,” she told him.

“Is he awake?” A familiar voice asked. Nick couldn’t sit up to confirm it with his eyes, but he was pretty sure he knew who it belonged to.

“Yes, and you might as well come in,” the nurse said tiredly, like she’d been fighting a battle with the visitor over this for too long. Nick could relate. “Your friend here has been very impatient to see you. I’ll be back with the doctor and the others in a bit. Behave.” This last word wasn’t for Nick but was said with a teasing sternness to the boy that stepped into the room. Black hair, straight nose, sharp brows. Seiji.

“Are you all right?” Seiji asked with genuine concern. He seemed troubled, which was troubling to Nick. He was used to Seiji being irritated with him or else ignoring his existence. This, he didn’t know what to do with any more than he knew what to do with the memory of Seiji’s fear.

“Yeah, no thanks to you,” Nick joked, trying for a grin. Maybe he was too tired to pull it off right because Seiji looked even worse after that. Concerned and guilty and awkward as anything Nick had ever witnessed, Seiji stood ramrod straight as if at attention instead of at a sickbed. “I’m good, really.”

“You’ll be able to fence again, this injury doesn’t put you at risk for losing mobility in any way, it’s just a matter of the recovery time and you’ll be fine. I talked to the doctor.” Seiji said it in a rush and it was a funny effect coming from him, as every word was still perfectly enunciated and said with precision. He paused to shift uncomfortably and—Nick couldn’t believe his eyes—worry at his lip for a moment. Then he set his eyes resolutely at the wall behind Nick’s narrow bed. “And Kings Row is covering the cost of your hospitalization and the ambulance here, so you shouldn’t worry.”

Nick stared at Seiji. Nervousness, that was the other thing that had crept into Seiji’s whole demeanor. He was nervous. It occurred to Nick that Seiji must have had to ask to find out what he’d just shared with Nick. Must have _thought_ to ask. So that…so that he could reassure Nick of the things he thought would most weigh down on his mind upon waking up in a hospital with a stab wound. There was no other explanation, but the one he’d come up with was surprisingly sensitive and sweet of Seiji. And now he looked nervous.

Nick almost rolled his eyes. _Rich kids._ Seiji didn’t know how to talk about money and it made him uncomfortable that Nick didn’t have any because it wasn’t something Seiji could understand. Nick had noticed how Seiji avoided the topic pretty early on, not out of some superiority as he’d first assumed, but out of what Nick thought might have been an effort at courtesy. Like he didn’t want to embarrass Nick over it. Just like he was obviously worried he’d offend Nick now by bringing up the practicality of this trip. The cost.

“Thanks,” Nick said eventually, watching how the word put Seiji at ease. Truthfully, it hadn’t occurred to him yet to be worried about money. He hadn’t had time to process it all and think through it that much. But hospitals weren’t cheap and it lifted a weight he hadn’t even picked up yet off his mind. He was grateful to Seiji for saying it so bluntly and so immediately. Now he wouldn’t have to ask. Wouldn’t have to worry. “Are the others here too?”

“The team?”

“Yeah. The nurse—,”

“Edith.”

“Edith said she was going to get the others.”

“Not the team, they weren’t allowed in.”

“But you were?” Nick couldn’t think why that’d be. Seiji shuffled again. _Very_ strange.

“Not precisely. I forced my way onto the ambulance with Williams and refused to leave when we got here. Nobody had time to deal with me so I was allowed to follow.” Seiji was biting his lip again. “There was so much blood, Nicholas,” he said, low and haunted, effectively answering Nick’s question of _why?_

“I’m all right,” Nick said, just as quiet. “No harm done.”

“I—,”

The room was suddenly full and busy, Edith the nurse had returned with a doctor, Coach Williams, and, to Nick’s surprise, Principal Eisler. They all had things to say to Nick and he tried to listen to everyone, but he kept getting distracted by Seiji. Edith really must have had spidey-senses because she ushered Seiji out of the room.

“That one’s trouble,” she said with good humor when she returned. “He’s snuck in here almost more times than I can count. Should have him kicked out but I didn’t have the heart when he’s so worried about you,” she dropped a wink at Nick. Nick really liked her, he decided, even if what she was saying didn’t make any sense.

It felt like forever until his tiny room had breathing space again but, eventually, everyone cleared out. Edith showed him how to use the bed before she left and he pressed the button to sit him up a bit more. Principal Eisler was still hovering by the side of his bed, watching it slowly sit him up. It made him feel a little antsy.

“I wanted to personally assure your well being, Nicholas,” she said. It was nice enough.

“Uh, thanks,” Nick mumbled awkwardly. “I’m doing okay.”

“Yes, you’ll make a full recovery in no time, I’m sure. Kings Row has money set aside for incidents like these, rare though they are, we take our students’ health very seriously and strive to do all we can to ensure their safety.” And keep parents happy, Nick wagered. Private schools were weird. “And so it is our honor and duty to cover all expenses that arise on your road to recovery.”

“Thank you,” Nick nodded slightly. “Seiji said that too.”

“Speaking of young Mr. Katayama…” Principal Eisler frowned, looking unhappy with her own words. “I’d like to ask you a couple of questions about the incident. If you’re up for it?” She tried offering Nick a smile.

“Sure, ask away.”

“And do you mind if I record this conversation for notes?”

Nick wasn’t sure he liked that but, since Kings Row was paying a hefty price to see him cared for, he agreed. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Can you tell me, to the best of your ability, what happened yesterday afternoon between yourself and Seiji Katayama?”

So Nick told her. She nodded and listened attentively, occasionally asking clarifying questions.

“Almost done,” Principal Eisler assured him. “Then I’ll let you rest. You and Seiji Katayama have a rocky relationship, isn’t that right?”

“Yes,” Nick said hesitantly, eyes narrowing at his principal.

“Have you and Seiji ever had physical altercations?”

“Nope,” Nick lied. She narrowed her eyes right back at him.

“Does Seiji have any reason to, or has he ever shown any interest in, causing you harm?”

Nick had had a feeling this was where it had been heading for quite some time and he turned his face to disgust so Eisler would know what he thought of this.

“You didn’t grill Seiji about this, did you?” Nick asked, getting a tiny bit louder than he probably should. Eisler was surprised at his outburst.

“There are procedures for when a student gets so seriously injured on our campus—,”

“Oh god, you did, didn’t you? Can’t you see he’s really torn up about it already? No! No, Seiji doesn’t want to hurt me, no, he’d never plot to hurt me. Shit like this happens sometimes, that’s why we wear protection. I got unlucky enough to have Seiji’s blade slip up under my mask after it broke but I got luckier than some people who get hit with broken blades.” Coach Joe had loved telling horror stories of fencers killed by snapped blades. “It’s a risk and we all know it, we all take it. It wasn’t on purpose—I don’t even know how you could orchestrate something like that but I know Seiji wouldn’t. You better not—he didn’t do anything wrong, leave him alone,” Nick finished lamely.

It was just that Nick couldn’t forget how scared Seiji had looked as his blade pierced Nick’s skin. It was just that he never would have imagined Seiji forcing his way onto an ambulance and sneaking into a hospital for him but Seiji _had._ He’d sat in the waiting room overnight in his shirt and fencing knickers and he’d thought about what Nick would want to know first thing when waking up and he’d found out for him. And snuck into his room enough to earn a reputation as _trouble_ with one of the nurses. And Nick didn’t want to see him punished for any of it. It wasn’t his fault. Blades broke. Jackets and masks shifted. Shit happened.

“Thank you for your time, Nicholas,” Eisler told him. “I’ll let you rest now.”

Nick was sure she’d have to go over her notes with some kind of board. But there was no way anyone could actually blame Seiji, was there? It was lucky for both of them that Nick hadn’t died, really. It would have probably been awful for Seiji if he had. _Worse for me than Seiji,_ he reminded himself so as not to feel too sympathetic for his cold-hearted rival.

“I thought we were done?” Nick said when he heard someone slip back into his room. He opened his eyes. It wasn’t Eisler. “Seiji, how long have you…?”

He must have been back outside the door to be here so fast after Eisler had left. How long he’d been there, exactly, was a mystery. Judging by how shaken he looked, Nick guessed he’d been there for a good long minute.

Seiji hesitated at the foot of Nick’s raised bed, then swept determinedly to his side, startling Nick by scooping up his left hand in both of his and holding it tightly.

“Thank you,” he said. “And I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” 


	3. Chapter 3

Nick wasn’t confined to the hospital for long, which was a relief and Nick wasn’t ashamed to admit it. He was released the same day he’d woken up, him and Seiji buckling into the back of Coach’s van. Nick was surprised when, after he’d clambered into the fourth row of seats where he always sat, Seiji followed behind him and sat on the other end of Nick’s bench. Always before when they rode with Coach, Nick took the entire back row, Eugene took the third, Harvard and Aiden shared the second, and Seiji got the whole front row to himself. So this was a pretty strange thing for Seiji to do in Nick’s opinion.

“Take it easy, Nicholas,” Coach said as they unloaded back at school. “Seiji, you’re in charge of looking after him.”

Nick was about to protest but Seiji nodded.

“Yes, Coach.”

“Help him with anything he needs help with and don’t let him overwork that arm.”

“It’s not that bad,” Nick finally did protest. “I can use my arm, it doesn’t hurt.”

“You heard the doctor,” Seiji said. “Until your wound has healed more, you could easily tear your stitches if you’re too vigorous in your movements.”

“But it’s on my left side and I’m _left_ -handed, I need to use that arm a lot.”

“I’ll help.”

“Thank you, Seiji,” Coach told him, then left them to it as if there was nothing strange or suspicious about this offer at all.

“You don’t have to,” Nick said as soon as Coach was out of earshot. “I’m really fine and I’ll tell Coach you took great care of me. Come on, let’s get back to our room.”

But Seiji, apparently, took his promise to Coach very seriously because, that evening, Nick found his bed neatly made, pillow fluffed, and blanket folded down to allow him easy access when he came out of the bathroom from changing into his nightclothes and brushing his teeth. And, possibly, prodding at his stitches a little in the mirror.

“How are you feeling?” Seiji asked. His voice was cushiony soft and it gave Nick the heebie-jeebies.

“You know I’m not, like, mad at you, right?” Nick clarified, looking from Seiji to his bed and back again. “I’m not trying to blackmail you into doing me any favors or anything, I really don’t blame you and really don’t want to get you in trouble.”

“I know,” Seiji scowled. It was a relief to see such a familiar expression on Seiji’s face and Nick had to smile. “I’m just trying to be nice.”

That took Nick by surprise. “Why?”

“Because I stabbed you, Nicholas, and that’s not nothing.”

“You said sorry.”

“Saying sorry isn’t enough for stabbing,” Seiji snapped. But then he smoothed his scowl and spoke pleasantly again. “Is there anything you need before bed? Water?” This was really too weird. “Here, give me your phone and I’ll plug it in.”

“Do you really think I’m skilled enough to strain my stitches by _plugging in my phone?”_

“With you, yes, quite possibly.” And Seiji took his phone from him, plugging it in and bidding him goodnight.

Weird, weird, weird.

* * *

Nick woke up and found Seiji in their room. There was no way he’d skipped his morning fencing so he must have come back. Usually, he was already in the cafeteria by now so Nick didn’t understand what Seiji was up to until he was finished dressing and reached for his bag. But it was missing from its spot of floor.

“Seiji,” Nick asked warily, peeking around the curtain, “where’s my bag?”

But Seiji didn’t even need to answer because it was self-evident. Nick’s bag was tucked on the floor next to Seiji’s, waiting by his feet.

“Are you ready?” Seiji asked, marking his book and standing, grabbing up both school bags.

“Hell no,” Nick said, lurching for his backpack, but Seiji swatted his hand away. “You are _not_ carrying my bag for me. I can handle a backpack, I promise.”

“I don’t have time to listen to your complaints,” Seiji dismissed, getting the door for them and ushering Nick through it. “How do you manage cutting so close to the morning bell?” He asked. “Rushing breakfast doesn’t do you any favors.”

“You didn’t have to wait for me,” Nick grumbled. But he was resigned to it, not even surprised when Seiji followed him to a table, dumping him with their stuff and telling him to _stay_ like a dog. Nick did as told, knowing it would get him nowhere to go insist on getting his own food.

Seiji wasn’t the only one to sit with him that morning—all of Nick’s friends dropped into seats around him to ask how he was doing and tell him he was still required to attend practice to keep up with the team once he was allowed to fence again. When Nick finished eating and Seiji whisked away his tray before he could even make a move for it, he got some appraising looks from the other guys.

“He’s obviously feeling some guilt,” Aiden said what they were all thinking.

“Just wait till we leave,” Nick said dully, “he’ll insist on carrying my bag too.”

“Nice!” Eugene said cheerfully. “You’ve got yourself a slave, bud. Congrats.”

“I don’t want a—,” Nick cut off as Seiji returned, glaring at Eugene’s wink and his thumbs up.

“We should get to class now,” Seiji said, not sitting back down. “The hallways are clear so you won’t get jostled.”

“Seiji, I’m not made of rice paper, my stitches aren’t gonna tear from holding trays or wearing backpacks or getting elbowed in the hall.”

“Now, Nicholas,” Seiji said. And he had Nick’s bag and a stern expression. So Nick stood up and bid the guys goodbye.

“I’m revising my earlier statement, Nick,” Eugene called after them, “you didn’t get yourself a slave, you got yourself a mom!”

Nick could hear the table laughing and flipped the bird over his shoulder without ever looking back.

“Bunch of dicks,” Nick muttered to Seiji. “But for real, I don’t need a slave or a mom, I am completely fine and able to take care of myself. Can I please have my bag?”

“No.”

They were the first to class and Seiji made them sit up front. No nonsense, he pulled out Nick’s textbook for him and then pulled out his own itinerary of stuff.

“I’ll make you a copy of my notes,” Seiji said. “Don’t stress your arm trying to take any until you’ve recovered.”

“Taking notes is a pain in my ass, not a pain in my neck. And it’s bold of you to assume I ever take notes.”

“Actually, I assumed you didn’t. But I was giving you the benefit of the doubt. Let me rephrase. Don’t strain your stitches by slouching over your notebook and doodling the entire day.”

“Ouch,” Nick laughed. “You got me there. Fine, I’ll just space out instead. Let me cue up some daydreams. Do you think I should go with ‘hero of a zombie apocalypse’ or ‘riding into the sunset with the prettiest girl in school?’”

“The first one,” Seiji replied. “The second one sounds slightly illegal and unethical. This is an all boys school.”

“Really? Hadn’t noticed.”

Seiji shook his head and Nick left him in peace. The guilt must have really been eating Seiji alive for him to put up with Nick’s jokes so well.

* * *

Nick’s entire day was spent in Seiji’s company and there was not even a single fight. Seiji was unmoving in his conviction, refusing to let Nick do absolutely anything at all and, by dinner, he was catching slack for it from all the guys, not just Eugene.

“I’m surprised Seiji’s not spoon-feeding you,” Aiden said over spaghetti, so no spoons were actually needed at all.

“Don’t give him any ideas,” Nick warned, earning some laughter.

Seiji was unfazed, eating as quietly as if he was sat alone at his usual table. He wasn’t eating spaghetti, he had his own special meal that met with his dietary plan. Even sitting with them all, Seiji was somehow apart. Nick felt bad for being difficult when Seiji was clearly trying so hard to help. As embarrassing as Nick found it to have Seiji do things for him, it couldn’t be as bad as the guilt Seiji felt about Nick’s little run-in with his blade. Nick could still recall the look of terror across Seiji’s features, could remember his pale and worried face after Eisler had interrogated Nick about his intent.

Nick was the one that had been stabbed but he was starting to feel a little guilty too for making Seiji’s life harder. So he didn’t complain when Seiji cleared his tray, and walked close beside him the entire way back to their room.

“Are you in trouble with Eisler?” Nick asked in the privacy of their duck-adorned dorm room. Seiji pursed his lips.

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. There shouldn’t be any trouble over it, if only because my father would raise even bigger trouble for the school if the board tries to expel me. But I think I might have to go talk with them. Your testimony and Coach Williams’ should prove sufficient evidence to convince them there wasn’t any foul play, and the entire team bore witness, though—,”

“Fencing moves too fast,” Nick finished. “And no one was paying attention. But there’s gotta be cameras, right?”

“Not inside the gym.”

“Well, don’t let them give you the third degree. I’ll come in too if you want.”

“I don’t think it will come to that. But thank you.”

 _Thank you_ s and _sorry_ s felt strange from Seiji but, stranger still, Seiji’s deft hands rose without a care and flipped Nick’s collar back into place.

“For once, your inability to wear the uniform is proving useful,” he said lightly.

“How?”

“Because a tight collar or tie wouldn’t feel great against that wound.”

“It’s not really that bad. And I’ve got pain meds. But, hey, I won’t complain if you’re giving me your blessings to dress like a scoundrel.” For added effect, Nick popped open another button on his shirt. Seiji was gearing up for an eye roll but abandoned it when his eyes landed on the edge of Nick’s bandage. “Do you wanna see?” Nick asked.

“That’s…”

“It’s not a bad scar to get, honestly. Here, I’m supposed to change it anyway.” He pulled his shirt out of the way and peeled off the tape and gauze on his neck. Whether Seiji had wanted to see or not, he was looking closely now. “Not bad, right? Pretty cool, huh?”

“I don’t know if I’d be as excited over a stab wound as you obviously are.”

A tentative hand came to Nick’s neck, fingers lightly brushing over skin that was red around neat stitches.

“I think it’s badass,” Nick told Seiji. The sound of his voice startled Seiji and he withdrew his hand quickly.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have touched, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“No worries, I get it. I was poking at it last night too.”

“Nicholas,” Seiji scolded, “you’re not supposed to touch your stitches. And how often are you supposed to change your dressings? What about the cleaning procedure?”

“Don’t worry about it—,”

“Where’s the packet Dr. Lopez gave you? I know you got instructions for aftercare, don’t lie.”

“Jesus, you’re beyond overbearing,” Nick said. But he retrieved his papers and let Seiji look them over anyway.

* * *

Seiji had appointed himself as Nick’s personal nurse, taking care to change Nick’s bandages right on time and carefully applying the ointment over the wound. He asked constantly if Nick needed water, fetched his pain meds, and even insisted on checking his temperature once. And he was always right there by Nick; eating with him, sitting with him in class, carting his bag as they walked, and coming to talk with him during breaks in practice. Nick didn’t mind that last one especially. Practice was boring when he wasn’t allowed to fence at all.

“Here,” Seiji said before a morning weekend practice, offering Nick a coiled white cord. “Your phone died on Thursday and I knew you wouldn’t have the forethought to bring a charger this time.”

“You really don’t need to worry so much about me,” Nick insisted in vain. But he was glad for the cord. Practice went long and his phone would have died without being plugged in. He looked up from it occasionally to watch his teammates and frowned a little as he watched Seiji. He was off today. Had been yesterday, too.

After practice, when the guys suggested they go out, Seiji actually agreed to go for once. Nobody missed how he’d only agreed after Nick had opted in, and Eugene and Aiden both made suggestive faces at him for that. Like Nick had any control over how weirdly nice and attentive Seiji was being. He didn’t. At all.


	4. Chapter 4

The clubhouse remained Nick’s favorite place on—near?—campus besides the gym. And here, at least, he was allowed to participate to the fullest extent with his team.

“Nicholas,” Seiji said, a staying hand on his arm. “You’ve got one more day with those stitches, try not to tear them this close to making it without any incidents.”

 _Almost._ He was _almost_ allowed to participate fully.

“Yeah, Nick, how dare you try to reach for a soda without Seiji’s express permission,” Eugene snickered. The moment Seiji handed Nick the can of Sprite he’d been reaching for, Nick lobbed it at Eugene.

“You’re just jealous,” Nick said, disgruntled that, far from hitting Eugene at all, the can was caught from the air with such ease it was pretty impressive. “Damn you and your athletic prowess,” Nick cursed under his breath. Eugene grinned, tossed the soda, and caught it again.

“Hey, I’ll admit it, I’m jealous as hell. I’ve always wanted a hot nurse.”

Aiden cackled delightedly at this quip, and even Harvard chuckled as Eugene shot an over-the-top wink Seiji’s way. Seiji was less amused.

“Nick,” Seiji said tightly, “would you like another pop?”

Nobody had any doubt about what Seiji was hoping Nick would do with the new ammo, but Nick’s attention was diverted from grumbling at Eugene to another of his favorite activities as of late.

 _“Pop?”_ Nick repeated. “Who the hell calls it pop?”

Seiji didn’t glare, though his lips hardened in a way that meant he wanted to. He got back at Nick for the teasing in a far more effective way.

“Nicholas and I should get going,” he said to the room at large, standing and leaving Nick alone on the couch.

“What? No way, I’m not ready to go yet.”

“Don’t be difficult. It’s time to change your bandage and if you can’t behave, I’ll report back to Coach Williams.”

“You suck,” Nick groaned. But he stood too. “See you guys tomorrow.” He trailed after Seiji, scuffing the dirt path with his sneaker when they were out of the clubhouse. “You’re really putting a dent in my street cred,” he complained. “Eugene and Aiden have all sorts of fuel for their awful jokes now.”

“How unfortunate. I don’t know how you can ever hope to overcome such petty poking.”

“You’re one to talk, you pulled me out of there the minute you started feeling the heat.”

“Actually, if you’ll think on it a moment, I’m sure you’ll find that the majority of their jokes are just as targeted at me as they are at you. And you’re one to talk yourself,” he couldn’t resist adding. Here was that glare, quick and pointed. “Pop is a perfectly reasonable way to refer to carbonated beverages.”

“No, it’s _really_ not, Seiji. And making fun of you is just about the only fun activity you’ll allow me anymore.”

“I don’t _allow_ it, I just can’t stop it. Hurting the injured is inappropriate and counter-productive.”

“You’re a champ. Can I climb the wall this time?”

“No, absolutely not.”

“Didn’t think so.”

They took the boring route, one that Harvard had only revealed to them after Nick’s injury and Seiji’s vehemence that Nick wasn’t allowed to visit the clubhouse in his condition. They’d gone to the clubhouse more days than not since Nick had been stabbed and Seiji had come along each time. His creepy niceness had extended to the rest of the team, not just Nick, so they were all getting along better than ever. With some teasing. But that was a part of life _and_ of getting along.

* * *

“Back again already?” Edith asked. Nick was glad she was the nurse to take them back to get his stitches out. He really liked her. And he really liked the way she teased Seiji like some big sister type even though Seiji wasn’t the kind of person that looked like you could pull that sort of stuff on.

“I’m hoping you can keep him,” Nick told her because her question had been for Seiji. “He’s way more trouble back at school than he is here, did you know he won’t even let me carry a bag? _A bag,_ Edith, like I’m going to rip off my whole arm from the strain of a backpack.”

“Nick,” Seiji hissed, but Edith just laughed and left the room with the promise of the doctor on the way. Coach Williams had come with them, staying in the waiting room at Nick’s request. Seiji hadn’t listened to any of Nick’s requests about staying at school, in the van, or in the waiting room.

“She’s pretty, don’t you think?” Nick asked absently, thumbing over a stack of magazines.

“You shouldn’t flirt, she’s a nurse and you’re a patient.”

“I wasn’t flirting! Did you think that was flirting?”

“It sounded like you were flirting, yes. And now you’ve called her pretty.”

“But she is. I can say that and not be flirting with her. I just think she’s fun and easy to talk to. Flirting,” Nick snorted. “No way. She’s big sistering us, I bet she’s got little siblings. Maybe Eugene would—,”

“Eugene’s _also_ too young for her.”

“Right. Do you have siblings?”

“What?”

“Do you?”

“Does it matter?”

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want,” Nick shrugged. “I was just asking.”

Nick picked up one of the magazines to flip through.

“No,” Seiji said. “I’m an only child.” Another pause. “Do you?”

Nick froze. He’d just perfectly maneuvered himself into a dangerous conversation topic. It was basically his worst fear that Seiji would connect the _do you have siblings_ question with the correlating question _what’s your relationship with Jesse Coste_ and find that they answered each other. But Seiji was just being polite so Nick tossed his magazine back in the pile and answered.

“It’s just me and my mom at home.”

“Is she worried about you?”

“No. Why would she be?”

Seiji gave him a look and tapped at his collarbone, a mirror of where Nick’s wound was. Nick was about to laugh and say his mom didn’t get worried over things like that when the doctor came in.

Nick wasn’t squeamish but the process of getting his stitches removed grossed him out a bit. He swore he could feel the thread pulling out of his skin like slithery little worms. On stitch number two, Seiji quietly took his hand. Nick held it tight and focused on the feeling of Seiji’s hand in his, on the fine bones and elegant tendons that shifted under pale skin as he gripped hard and Seiji squeezed back. That was better than thinking about worms dancing around in holes in his skin by about a million percent.

“Nick, we’re done,” Seiji said, breaking Nick’s concentration on his hand. He released his grip at once and cleared his throat, thanking the doctor and standing to leave.

“We ready, boys?” Coach asked when they were expelled back into the waiting room.

“Yes. I don’t think Nicholas was paying any attention when Dr. Lopez went over care but I’ve got the notes here,” Seiji held up some paper that had probably been handed to Nick originally.

“Lucky you went in with him, then.” Coach grinned like it had been her idea. Then she stood and made a big deal of stretching. “My bones are too old for sitting around in uncomfortable waiting rooms, no more injuries for the rest of the year, got it?”

“Understood,” Seiji said seriously.

“How old _are_ you, Coach?” Nick asked, earning a thwack on the head from Williams and an appalled face from Seiji.

“Nick, you can’t ask people their age, it’s rude.”

“Hey, since when do you call me…” Nick trailed off, staring hard at Seiji. Maybe if he did, his memory would present him with the answer himself. _Nick._ Seiji had called him Nick just then, and in with the doctor, too. And this morning over breakfast. And yesterday. And when had that happened? Seiji had always called him Nicholas.

“We’re getting left behind,” Seiji said, but his cheeks looked a little more alive than usual so Nick knew he’d heard him and understood the question. Which meant that it was intentional.

 _All my friends call me Nick,_ he realized. Maybe spending time with the guys had worn off on Seiji. Or maybe he was trying in this, just as he was trying in everything else to make it up to Nick about the broken blade in his neck, to…be his friend? Nick was still skeptical of the nice act, but he decided to worry about that later and talked to Seiji in their row of Coach’s mighty steed about _Star Trek_ trivia just to see if Seiji would put up with it. He did.

* * *

Nick had thought Seiji’s commitment to looking after him would fade with the stitches out, but Seiji was as nice as ever. And as overbearing. Nick’s bed had been neatly made and ready for him each night this week, same as it had been every night since returning from their initial visit to the hospital. But today had been a big landmark for them. Nick had finally been allowed to carry his own damn bag around school. A small victory, but he was glad for it. It wasn’t that Seiji’s newfound pleasantness wasn’t, well, _pleasant,_ it was just that it was strange and Nick felt weird about it. He wanted Seiji to get over his guilt so they could get back to normal. He suspected it’d help once he was allowed to fence again. Renew their rivalry and all that.

Nick came back to his room late after a celebratory pastry shop visit with Bobby for being given back some level of autonomy. Bobby had eaten half the menu, Nick didn’t know how he’d fit it all.

Seiji was out. Nick didn’t think much of it—Seiji used to go out a lot before he’d stabbed Nick and, consequently, glued his hip to Nick’s in repentance for the stabbing. And by _go out,_ Nick meant to the library or to fence. That was basically all Seiji did. Fence, study, read.

The gash above Nick’s collar was itching a bit. He should go deal with that. Bed looked inviting but Seiji would actually kill him if he let this thing get infected. So he made his way to the laboratory. Also known as the bathroom—Seiji had neatly stocked the cupboard with everything they’d been given by the doctor and anything Nick might possibly require. Even a pack of Twizzlers because Nick had been a smartass and requested the candy when Seiji had asked him if there was anything else he needed before shopping. So far, Nick had left the licorice alone. Maybe he’d grab one tonight. As a treat for doing the responsible thing and checking up on his scratchy wound.

Nick pushed open the bathroom door, thinking it was strange for Seiji to have left the light on. He was always getting on Nick’s case for stuff like that. So the first thing he thought when he saw Seiji perched up on the bathroom counter in shorts, one leg pulled up to him as he rubbed lotion into it was jut _oh, that makes sense._ Seiji paused in his task, a perfect tableau as he and Nick stared at each other.

“Nick,” Seiji said, “I thought you’d be back late.”

“It is late.”

“Knowing you, I expected later. Sorry, my phone rang after the shower, I went to answer it and then I must have forgotten to lock the door again.” Seiji looked as puzzled by his carelessness as Nick was. But he wasn’t snapping at Nick to get out. Nick kinda felt like he should be getting snapped at to get out right now. Felt like he was witnessing something that warranted snapping.

“You’re on the counter,” Nick said because his brain was having a hard time getting past that. At least he hadn’t mentioned the shorts. Or said something stupid about how soft Seiji’s legs looked.

“Oh. Yes, I am. I wipe it down, I just don’t like to sit on the toilet.”

Nick laughed. Both at the image of Seiji sat on the toilet to lotion his legs and because— “You _wipe it down!_ That’s so like you, Seiji, fuck, that’s hilarious. Is that what your Clorox wipes are for?”

“Among other things. It doesn’t hurt to clean the sink daily anyway, I don’t see the harm in getting some extra use out of it before then. And I’m on my side,” he added. As if Nick cared.

“Hey, have at it, I won’t stop you from putting your ass anywhere you want it. I’ll leave you to your moisturizing, then. I can wait.”

“How’s your neck?” Seiji asked before Nick closed the door, lowering himself back to the ground in a graceful little extension of legs and push of arms. It was like he was a mind reader. But then Nick noticed that his fingers had crept to tug at his collar. Seiji took over the task, pulling Nick’s collar down far enough to get a look. “Don’t touch,” he scolded, tugging Nick’s hand down in much the same manner he’d just tugged his shirt down.

“I wasn’t gonna,” Nick lied.

“It looks a little red. Does it hurt?”

“Just feels tight and scratchy.”

“Maybe we should—,”

“It’s fine, I was just gonna grab some ointment and a Twizzler.”

“And some water. You don’t drink nearly enough. Fine, we’ll leave it for tonight but keep an eye on it.”

Nick nodded and Seiji let him go, fetching his ointment and licorice and holding the latter hostage until Nick had finished applying the former. After that, Seiji disappeared back into the bathroom and Nick wondered if he was back on the counter. He shook his head, but the image stuck there.

Even when Seiji emerged fully dressed, Nick kept wanting to dart glances over at him. Just to check.

“Can I help you?” Seiji asked. Nick hadn’t been as sneaky as he’d thought.

“No, sorry,” Nick said sheepishly, turning his nose back towards places it belonged. His neck didn’t feel scratchy anymore, but it didn’t feel completely normal and it made him think about something Seiji-related that his nose _did_ belong in. “Is your name cleared?”

“Pardon?”

“Eisler and the school board, they’ve got to have figured out that you’re innocent, right? So you’re a free man?”

“You are so dramatic. Yes, my name is _cleared,_ as you put it. Everything’s been taken care of and Principal Eisler apologized to me for the trouble.”

“Good, she should have.”

“I disagree. It’s her job to ensure the safety of her students.”

“And interrogating a scared kid when his teammate’s in urgent care is definitely the way to keep _him_ safe.” Nick still got a rush of anger remembering how pale and shaky Seiji had looked in his hospital room and how he’d taken Nick’s hand and thanked him for telling Eisler that Seiji hadn’t been plotting his murder.

“It’s nice of you to be so concerned about it, but there’s no need. Everything’s been settled so it’s fine now.”

But, Nick noticed, Seiji wasn’t denying that it hadn’t been fine since the start. And he had a tiny little smile on now. Nick was really glad he’d snuck another peak, it would’ve been a shame to miss seeing that smile.


	5. Chapter 5

Nick was starting to get used to Seiji’s constant presence by his side and the dulcet tones he spoke to Nick with. At first, Nick had found it all very patronizing, especially the soft and quiet way Seiji had taken to speaking to him after the incident. Like he was some scared kid who needed comfort. He wasn’t. And if he _had_ been, Seiji wasn’t the person Nick would have looked to for comfort. But the more Nick got to know Seiji through sheer virtue of close proximity, the more he realized that that was just how Seiji spoke. How he was. A little softer and quieter than the glaring, unforgiving boy with the sharp tongue he always seemed to be. Seiji was that, too. He snapped and condescended and was unyielding in so many ways. But not always, not to everyone.

It was a phone call that had made Nick realize that fully. On the phone with his mother last night, Seiji had spoken in that way that was sanded down of all edges. And Nick had recognized it, finally, as fondness. A voice Seiji used to speak to people he liked. And people he’d stabbed and felt miserably guilty over. But it still felt more genuine to Nick and less grating than before he’d overheard the tail end of that phone call.

“Have you done your exercises today?” Seiji asked Nick, finding him and some of the guys out on one of the grassy fields that rolled out into gentle hills.

“Seiji really is very versatile, don’t you think?” Aiden said, idly spinning a long piece of grass between finger and thumb in the air above his face. Aiden’s feet found their way onto Nick’s lap as he spoke—his head already occupying someone else’s thighs—and they all waited for him to drop his punchline. “He’s a sexy nurse, a worrying mother, and even a nagging wife, demanding you do your exercises. Can’t let yourself slip just because you caught your man and slapped a golden ring on him.”

“Shut up, Aiden, no one asked you,” Nick grouched, grabbing Aiden’s ankles and yanking hard so that his torso dragged along the grass and his head bumped out of Harvard’s lap and onto the ground.

“You little brat,” Aiden screeched, sitting up and throwing a handful of grass at Nick. “If you’ve given me grass stains I’ll—,” Aiden searched around for a suitable threat, eyes landing on the newest addition to their party. “I’ll confiscate your wife to do laundry for me.”

“Don’t be sexist, A,” Eugene said. “Husbands do laundry too. And nag.”

“And you’d know about nagging husbands?”

“You asking me if I’ve got one? I haven’t checked out marriage laws in a bit but I think I might be too young to get legally married.” Eugene paused in thought. “Maybe not, though. I think sixteen might be the magic number in some states. Ah, well, doesn’t matter. Point is, Seiji can be a nagging husband and I’m sure he’d sooner burn your clothes than wash them so I don’t think you want to borrow him from Nick.”

“Nobody can borrow Seiji,” Nick protested. Everyone looked at him and he realized how that had sounded. “He’s not mine, so you can’t borrow him from me.”

“Trouble in paradise already?” Aiden asked. “Bet it’s because you’ve fallen out of shape from not doing your exercises.”

“Which brings us back to my question,” Seiji said, having completely ignored all the leg work it had taken them to get back here. “Have you done them?”

Nick was meant to be doing specific arm exercises every morning to ease his scar tissue into being stretched and worked again. Usually, Seiji oversaw these sessions but he’d still been with Dmytro this morning when Nick woke up, and Nick had never been a particularly patient guy. By the time Seiji would have returned to the dorms, Nick had gone out to hang with the team. And now Seiji had tracked him down to make sure he’d remembered to do his stretches without Seiji hovering over him.

“Yeah, I did them. Cross my heart.”

Seiji nodded, accepting this answer.

“Is it going to scar?” Eugene asked.

“Probably,” Nick said. Beside him, Seiji’s face hardened with displeasure.

“It should be pretty minimal if Nicholas keeps—,”

“Bad. Ass,” Eugene interrupted Seiji. “Scars are cool.”

“Right? And who else can say they have a scar from a stab wound? I think it’s a sweet deal.” Nick laughed. “Seiji disagrees wholeheartedly.”

“Because he thinks he’s made his boyfriend less pretty,” Aiden said.

For some reason, _that_ got the color rising in Nick’s face. It was the word. Boyfriend. That was such a plausible word, not a far off concept like husbands or wives.

“Cut it out,” Nick tumbled out too quick and loud in his haste to correct any inkling of a misconception. “I’m not dating _Seiji.”_ The way he’d said it was all wrong, a little too hostile. Everyone else had heard the strangeness of it too, blinking at him in astonishment. He’d just gone and taken good fun and turned it into something heavier than any of them had meant.

Seiji looked surprised. Briefly, a flicker of hurt seemed visible on his face and Nick winced. It hadn’t been his intention to imply that dating Seiji was the most repulsive thing he could think of, but it had kind of come off that way. Apologizing felt like it would make things worse and weirder. Nick opened his mouth anyway, unsure what to say but wanting to try and explain that he thought Seiji was a great guy and all, Nick just didn’t personally want to date him.

“It’s nice of you, Aiden, to assume I think it was possible to make Nicholas even less appealing than he already was.”

Blinking eyes shifted from Nick onto Seiji. And then Aiden laughed, bringing the rest of them, save for Seiji, with him. Nick caught a smile from Seiji as brief as the hurt had been. So they were all right, then. Nick had to pause to consider for the umpteenth time how strange it was to have _all right_ be the normal state of things between him and Seiji.

“Aiden and I were thinking of going into town for a late lunch, do any of you want to come?” Harvard asked after another indeterminate amount of time spent lounging and talking under the sun.

Seiji looked to Nick, waiting for him to decide if they were going or not. He could see that Seiji expected to be dragged into town for the third day in a row.

“I’ve got homework I should probably do,” Nick said. “I think you’d better count me out this time, Captain.”

“Looks like it’s just you two today,” Eugene added. “I’ve got plans for lunch already.”

The group dispersed, Eugene following Aiden and Harvard off campus instead of Seiji and Nick back to the cafeteria, so his plans must have been outside school grounds. Which meant it was just Nick and Seiji for lunch.

Seiji was trying to be nice but he was still Seiji, which meant it was a quiet meal, punctuated only by short conversations. Nick didn’t mind the quiet or the little talks about nothing. And, when they were done eating, Nick grabbed Seiji’s tray with his, triumphantly clearing them both.

“There’s no point to doing that,” Seiji told him, following Nick every step of his mission to clear away the remains of their meals.

“There wasn’t any point to you doing it, either.”

“Actually, there _was_. You’re recovering from an injury.”

“I could have used my right hand,” Nick pointed out. He’d only been given back food-getting privileges last night. “And now it’s payback time. I’ll get revenge on you for carrying my bag, too. Just you wait.”

“Revenge?” Seiji asked skeptically. Nick nodded seriously, then stole the book Seiji had brought out to the grassy hill too quickly for him to do anything more than call out a surprised, _“Nick!”_

Nick liked the way Seiji said his name. _Nic_. Like he’d forgotten to or had not had time to say the rest of it. Nick, not short for Nicholas, but the first half of it when saying the whole thing was too cumbersome. No one else said his name like that. And it wasn’t just now, when Seiji was surprised. It was how he always said it if he wasn’t saying _Nicholas._

Nick tucked the book more securely under his arm—the left one so Seiji couldn’t wrestle it from him without ‘risking damage’ to his decently healed stab wound.

“Nicholas, give that back. If you hurt yourself from—,”

Nick wasn’t listening to a word Seiji was saying. He liked the way Seiji said _Nicholas,_ too, like it was something with weight to it. However Seiji said his name recently, Nick liked to hear it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because I'm sure you all are wondering, I will answer the two pressing questions you no doubt have after reading this chapter because I'm cool like that  
> 1\. no, nick did _not_ do his exercises without Seiji there to make him  
> 2\. the legal marrying age in Connecticut is indeed 16, with parent consent and approval from a probate court, so Eugene could technically have a secret nagging husband but I don't think he does in this one


	6. Chapter 6

Seiji was getting way too comfortable with Nick. He’d left the bathroom door open again and Nick had, once again, walked into the room to the view of Seiji Katayama sat up on their sink in shorts, rubbing lotion into one long and incredibly sculpted leg.

“What is it with you and lotion?” Nick asked a little irritably. Seiji looked sleek and weirdly sexy when he did this and Nick thought it was downright rude of him to make him see it so often. Once had been enough to haunt Nick’s dreams. Twice was enough to make him do something stupid.

“Moisturizing keeps my skin healthy.” Seiji flicked a cursory glance at Nick. “Doesn’t your skin feel dry after a shower?”

“Not really.”

“Maybe your unfortunate skin has just adjusted to your lifestyle,” Seiji hummed.

“My skin’s just fine, thanks.”

“Really? Come here.” Seiji beckoned him forward. “Let me see.”

Nick rolled his eyes but stepped fully into the bathroom and up to Seiji, who took his arm and looked it over, then frowned when he got to Nick’s hand.

“You should consider hand lotion,” Seiji said, surprising Nick by sliding his lightly lotioned hands over Nick’s, transferring the lotion to him in a process that felt a little like a massage. This was weird, right? Seiji had to know this was weird.

“You should consider locking the door.”

“I lock it when it’s important.”

“Yeah. Well. Thank god for that.”

“How was your meeting with Coach Williams and Nurse Hendricks?” Seiji asked. With a bit of a sulk, Nick thought. He’d wanted to come to the meeting but had been disallowed by Williams.

“I’m good to start fencing again next week!” Nick reported brightly.

“That’s good news.”

“I wanted to tell you right away but I didn’t think you were in until I…”

Nick trailed off, realizing that Seiji had somehow continued on massaging lotion into Nick’s hands without him noticing, first one, and now the other. If he noticed Nick’s sudden awareness of the action, Seiji didn’t let on. Nick wasn’t sure if Seiji had noticed what he was doing himself.

This was all more of Seiji’s creepy niceness. He’d gotten so deep into being nice to Nick that he’d unintentionally crossed some line into accidental and casual intimacy like this. Something like this wouldn’t have even felt weird to Nick coming from Bobby—leaving doors open, being so close, unthinking touches—that was all stuff for a very specific kind of friendship and it wasn’t the kind of friendship he had with Seiji. When Seiji left the door open, it felt like he was letting his guard down, same as when his voice softened for Nick. Soft voice. Soft hands. Soft legs.

Nick stared down at his hand, the one Seiji had dropped to move on to the next. Somehow, it had landed on Seiji’s thigh. How had Nick even gotten close enough to Seiji for that to happen? How had Seiji not noticed or stopped it? Why wasn’t Nick pulling his hand off and apologizing?

“Maybe there’s something to this moisturizing stuff,” Nick said, not retracting either one of his hands. Seiji’s leg really was soft and supple, the skin beneath Nick’s fingers dimpling slightly as his intention weighed down his grip.

Seiji had also been lost in his own world but he looked up from the hand he still held in both of his at either the tone of Nick’s voice or the suddenly undeniable presence of Nick’s touch on his thigh. For a moment, they just looked at each other, equally baffled to find themselves here.

Seiji was so close and so soft and he’d been so nice—weirdly nice, _wrongly_ nice—and he was so soft and so close. It was only natural to duck in a tiny bit closer and feel a little more softness, this time against his lips.

The kiss felt unreal in its first moments, frozen in time and space like a still out of another person’s life. Then Seiji dropped his hand and took Nick’s face up instead, pulling him in, and the moment burst into life, soft and warm and tingling. Nick’s grip on Seiji’s thigh shifted farther up it, pushing at the hem of his shorts, his other arm snaking around Seiji’s waist. Seiji slid against Nick, coming so near the edge of the counter that Nick was sure he was doing as much to keep Seiji balanced there as the counter itself was.

“Careful,” Seiji mumbled as Nick teased open his mouth.

Nick couldn’t figure out what he was meant to be careful of at first. He thought maybe his grip was in danger of becoming painful or his elbow was in danger of knocking something over. But then he realized Seiji had a careful hand braced over Nick’s left collarbone, not touching the scar but aware of it, guarding it. And Seiji’s other hand was trying to hold Nick’s head steady, like he thought Nick was likely to rip open the scar from kissing too vigorously. If Seiji was legitimately worried about that, he hadn’t done himself any favors by emitting the caution. Nick only wanted to kiss more vigorously and less carefully now.

Seiji didn’t seem to mind all that much when Nick ignored his warning. Nick was allowed to kiss him recklessly and Seiji kissed him back with as much enthusiasm, even abandoning his failing attempts to keep Nick still, letting his hand slide up into Nick’s hair. He didn’t seem to think Nick’s hair was all that stupid now, fingers knotting into it and dragging Nick even closer.

Kissing Seiji was a mix of everything Nick had learned Seiji could be. Soft mouth, hard kisses. Sharp tongue, sweetening slightly at Nick’s request. Confident, unyielding determination, gentle hands. Kissing Seiji was really, _really_ good.

_I’m kissing Seiji._

Either Seiji had a similar epiphany or he sensed Nick’s. Either way, when they jerked apart, it was impossible to say who had started the correction of this mistake.

“You’re not gay,” Seiji said, overlapping perfectly as Nick said, “You’re just guilty.”

They both took a moment to untangle the sentiments and digest them.

“What?” Seiji beat Nick to asking that golden question. “What do you mean I’m _just guilty?”_

“I mean that you just feel bad for stabbing me so now you’re trying to kiss it better or something. And what do you mean I’m—,”

“Excuse me? You think I’m—I’m _guilt_ kissing you? What is wrong with you?”

“You don’t think I’ve noticed how freakily nice you’ve been to me since you sent me to the hospital? Or do you not realize? You’re basically—no, you _are_ seducing me. Subconsciously, maybe, but you are. Because you feel so guilty about it and like you, I don’t know, owe me or something.”

“That’s a pretty awful thing to say,” Seiji said, his voice a low hush. With the dangerous speed and precision Seiji was known for, he shoved Nick back. Nick hadn’t even realized that they’d still been all tied up in each other until he was flailing backward, catching his balance and noticing the missing press of thighs around his hips and hands at his shoulders.

“What—,”

“I was just being _nice,”_ Seiji shouted, angry as Nick had ever managed to make him before. It contrasted strangely with his continued position atop their counter, hair scruffed up and lips a little swollen and legs so carelessly long and exposed.

“Yeah,” Nick shouted back, unsure why he felt so angry. “But you’re _also_ being sexy.”

“Nicholas, if you think I’m sexy then that’s on _you,_ not me, and it sounds to me like you’ve got some shit you need to get figured out.”

Seiji exploded from his seat and shoved at Nick again, not relenting until he was all the way back in their room. Then the door shut with a decisive thud between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Thestarminstrel](https://thestarminstrel.tumblr.com/) has done it again and blessed us with a [full on illustration](https://thestarminstrel.tumblr.com/post/622495045669584896/i-am-alive-babes) of this chapter (bet you can't guess which part 😏)!!! It's amazing and you should all go show it the love it deserves 💜💜💜


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just would like everyone to know that we had a truly epic moment right before I posted this chapter because this fic had 6/9 chapters up and 69 kudos and I feel like that deserves documenting. thank you all for making that possible <3

Seiji wasn’t mad. He wasn’t _not_ mad, either. Nick had waited for Seiji’s sweet act to drop and for them to return to normal but Seiji had emerged from the bathroom shortly after kicking Nick out, looking put together and perfect. Without any concern at all, Seiji had bid Nick a good night and asked if Nick could turn off the lights when he was ready for bed. It had continued like that for a week. Seiji was still being nice, if a little chilly, a little distant.

Nick had decided not to rock the boat. If Seiji was so determined to be nice to him to clear his conscience, then Nick would do the poor guy a favor and make it somewhat easy for him. Which meant there’d been no talk of seduction or sexiness or kisses.

“You’re late,” Seiji accused when Nick skidded into the locker room, flinging his bag down and wasting no time in changing. “Your first day back from recovery and you’re already late.”

“Couldn’t find my shoes,” Nick explained, short of breath.

“If you didn’t live in a pigsty…” Seiji didn’t need to finish the sentence for Nick to know where it was going.

“Yeah, point taken. Hey, thanks for waiting for me.”

“I didn’t,” Seiji said with a confused and suspicious glance at Nick.

“All the other guys are already out there. You were buying me time.”

“You’re delusional.”

And, with a flourish to punctuate the point, Seiji left to join the rest of the team in the gym. Still nice, but a little less open about it. Nick shook his head with a smile, finished pulling on his gear, and followed after Seiji.

Nick couldn’t properly express what a relief it was to be allowed to fence again. It was like he could finally breathe again, even if all the guys were going a bit soft on him at first. But his scar wasn’t even twinging and after a couple bouts of easy wins, the others started showing him some heat. And _that_ was what he’d needed.

Practice ended with Nick soaked and sweaty and in a great mood. Harvard was talking about how good it was to have the team fully functioning again and how they stood a better chance at winning their matches now. Seiji didn’t even scoff at the implication that Nick was a valuable player.

“Clubhouse?” Aiden asked as they all headed to the showers.

“Hell yeah!” Eugene agreed at once. Harvard wasn’t far behind with his own agreement.

“Yeah, sounds fun.” Nick eyed Seiji as he said it, wondering if he would come. Now that it was proven that Nick was fully healed, and since their mini fight in the bathroom, Seiji didn’t have any reason to follow Nick as diligently anymore.

“You can climb the wall,” Seiji sighed in response to Nick’s eyes. That wasn’t what Nick had expected. But he kind of liked that Seiji had thought it was, that he hadn’t even considered the possibility of not coming.

* * *

“It’s time I got back to school,” Seiji said, hours later.

“But it’s still early,” Eugene protested, throwing an arm over Seiji’s shoulders on the couch. Seiji frowned at him but didn’t remove the arm.

“I’ve got homework.”

“You’ve been working on homework,” Nick pointed to the stack of it on the little table in front of them.

“And now that I’ve finished it, I can’t justify lounging around watching cartoons on Aiden’s computer any longer.”

“Anime,” Nick and Aiden both corrected.

“Yes, I know,” Seiji said tiredly. “My point remains.”

And now Seiji finally did sneak out from Eugene’s hold, standing up and collecting his things.

“But we’re getting to a good part!” Aiden objected. Nick snickered.

“Weeb.”

He got elbowed and called a hypocrite for that. Wrestling out of Aiden’s wrath, Nick stood up.

“Are you leaving too, Nick?” Harvard asked.

“Yeah, I might as well.”

Walking back the way they’d come, Seiji adjusted the drawstring bag he’d brought his stuff in. Before he could sling it over his back, Nick grabbed it from him.

“Nicholas!”

“Told you I’d get revenge on you for carrying my bag,” Nick sang happily.

“I’m letting you climb the wall, don’t push your luck.”

“I’m letting you leave early, don’t push _your_ luck.”

“It’s hardly early. And you didn’t have to come with me.”

“I know. But who’d catch me if I fell off the wall because my neck wound suddenly burst open and disabled me from using my arm?”

Nick turned out to be in perfectly fit shape to scale the wall, not requiring Seiji’s assistance at all. But Seiji _did_ stand at the bottom the entire time he climbed, as if prepared to catch Nick should his dark predictions come true.

“Stop dawdling,” Seiji hissed when he joined Nick at the top.

“But it’s a pretty view and I haven’t seen it in ages.”

“We’ll get caught, hurry up.”

“Don’t wanna.”

“Nicholas, if you can’t behave responsibly, you’ll get your clubhouse visiting privileges revoked, and not just from me. If one of the security guards or teachers sees us up here, we’ll be in trouble.”

“You’ve stopped calling me Nick.”

“What?”

“You would sometimes call me Nick lately but you haven’t in a while. Why?”

It was windy up here and Seiji’s exasperation could only have been exacerbated by the hair whipping in his face.

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.” Nick looked back over the view. He could track the path they always took to the clubhouse perfectly from here.

“It didn’t feel right,” Seiji said, drawing Nick’s attention back to him. His cheeks were pink now, making him look even further from the typical Seiji brand of elegant and sleek and perfectly composed in every way. It reminded Nick of how he looked during his skincare regime. “Everyone else calls you Nick and I was just trying to be friendly so I tried to call you what your friends do. But it didn’t feel right. It felt all wrong whenever I tried to say it, not at all how everyone else says it.”

Nick laughed. “I liked how you said it, not like anyone else said it at all. But like you always wanted to say the rest of it.”

Seiji looked so soft. And he was so close. And Nick kind of wanted to touch him again.

“Are you ready to get down from here now?” Seiji asked, pulling away from Nick.

“Yeah. All right. Sure.” Nick fumbled the words and then fumbled his way down the wall.

Seiji wasn’t mad. But he was careful. Nick had accused him of being _too_ nice. Of being purposefully sexy. So Seiji had taken care to be a little less accommodating, a little more careful, a little more closed off. Nick kind of missed his carelessness, guilt-driven or not.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so fucking tired my dumb ass tried pasting this chapter into the chapter summary box

“Nicholas, Seiji,” Coach made a gesture that indicated they were meant to fence each other today.

“I’m back on my stride,” Nick warned Seiji as they found a strip. Nick had been allowed to fence for a week and he’d easily fallen back into it. “It’s like I was never out of the game at all.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Seiji acknowledged.

But Nick could tell that he wasn’t really keeping it in mind at all. It had been like this ever since their last _real_ match—the one that had sent Nick to the hospital. Seiji was the only one of Nick’s teammates that was still going easy on him and he was getting tired of it. Seiji was ruthless, landing his strikes with precision and sting, but when he scored on Nick lately, it was so soft that Nick wasn’t convinced it would have registered in a real bout. Mostly, Seiji stuck to defense, and even in that, he was a little slower than usual. Nick hated it. Fencing Seiji wasn’t fun when he was being coddled.

But the worst part was that this wasn’t just a _Nick_ problem. It was a problem _caused_ by him, but not exclusive to him.

With an exasperated, guttural groan, Nick tore off his mask mid-bout.

“Nicholas!” Seiji said, sharp and loud. He’d already lowered his blade, rendering it incapable of doing any harm to Nick’s exposed face. He might as well have fenced with it down this whole time for how much harm it had been doing. “Put that back on right now.”

“No.”

“What did you—,”

“I said no,” Nick snapped. “I don’t need it. And I don’t need _this_ either.” After raising his blade in punctuation, Nick put it on the ground by his feet, mask too. “You’re not fucking fencing me, you’re dancing around me.”

“Stop talking nonsense and—what are you—Nicholas!”

Nick had ignored Seiji and stomped across the strip to tear off _his_ mask too. His face, now fully unobscured, looked livid at the invasion. Good. Nick was angry and he liked that Seiji could match that now.

“We’ve all noticed it, Seiji,” Nick said, flinging down the mask with a satisfying thud as it hit the ground. Seiji was appalled at this treatment of his things but he didn’t stoop to retrieve it.

“Noticed what?” Seiji asked defiantly, dangerously.

“That you’ve turned into a gentle little cloud from the fucking rattlesnake you used to be. Don’t even pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. I never took you for a coward but you’ve been acting like one lately. You’ve lost your bite because you’re afraid—,”

“Shut up! You don’t know anything and if you’re so set on worrying about someone’s fencing, it should be yours. You’re hardly capable enough to recognize flaws in your own technique, let alone criticize mine.”

“I know enough to see that you haven’t fenced— _really_ fenced—in ages and everyone else has noticed it too. I bet Williams and Dmytro have both pointed out to you that you’re acting like a scared newbie afraid to bruise or get bruised. And you know what? _I_ won’t be responsible for you throwing away all your skill and potential just because you’re scared to hurt me.” Nick laughed. “Why is this such a big deal to you? You don’t even like me!”

“I don’t want you _dead!”_ Seiji yelled, so loudly that it left the gym feeling eerily silent when it stopped ringing. “And I especially don’t want to be the one to render you dead!”

And then Seiji’s blade clattered to the ground in the same careless, angry manner his mask had been dropped. Without another word or a backward glance, Seiji stormed across the gym and into the bathroom.

Nick looked around to find all eyes on him. That wasn’t surprising. They were all looking at him like he’d just stomped on a kitten but he knew they’d all been thinking it too. Coach just nodded her head toward the bathroom Seiji had escaped to, and Nick knew she was right.

“I guess I’d better go talk with him,” Nick mumbled. He felt like he was making a walk of shame as he slunk into the bathroom.

Seiji didn’t look up but Nick could tell Seiji knew he was there. Between the sound of his entrance and his reflection in the mirror, Seiji couldn’t miss him even if he wanted to. And he obviously did. He looked all taken apart, but not in the soft way Nick had been allowed to see before. This was all jagged edges and unsteady breathing. His jacket was clumsily opened, like he’d thought it might be the cause of his troubled breathing. And his hands were pale, the tremor to them unable to be hidden even braced against the counter as they were. He looked terrified and terrifying in this undone state.

“Seiji…”

“Don’t,” Seiji said thickly. “I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

Nick could not have predicted this level of upset from Seiji. He swallowed, remembering the looks Harvard, Aiden, and Eugene had given him at his outburst at Seiji. He remembered the look of terror on Seiji’s face before the blackness. Had he looked this bad—had he looked _worse_ than this after Nick had blacked out? He must have. No wonder the others hadn’t mentioned anything about it. No wonder they thought Nick was some kind of monster for his explosion.

“I’m sorry,” Nick said. But it wasn’t enough. Seiji still wouldn’t look up. “I shouldn’t have yelled like that, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, it’s just—you realize it would kill me if you get caught up on this, right? If you stop fencing your best because of one little fluke—,”

“I could have _killed_ you, Nicholas. It’s not _one little fluke,_ it’s your life and I keep thinking—what if my blade had gone deeper? What if—,” Seiji couldn’t finish and Nick noticed with a panicky jolt in his stomach that tears were spilling from Seiji’s glittering eyes.

“But it didn’t,” Nick soothed. He didn’t feel qualified for soothing right now. He didn’t feel qualified for soothing Seiji _ever._ But he took a cautious step forward. And another.

“Don’t—,” Seiji said again.

“I’m alive.” Nick was next to Seiji now. “I’m _alive_. And I’m fine. Better than fine, I’m good as new.”

Seiji shook his head. “You could've—,”

“But I didn’t. I’m here, see? I’m here.”

Seiji didn’t say anything, didn’t look up, didn’t stop crying. Nick hadn’t realized how badly shaken Seiji was over this. But, then, Nick had gotten off easy, passing out and missing all the excitement. Seiji must have thought he’d died, falling like that. Nick had seen the bloody jacket and mask he’d worn that day. There’d been a lot of blood. That had to have been scary. Scarier than Nick had given it credit for because, of course, _he’d_ been fine.

Decisively, Nick unzipped his jacket, shedding it to the floor and stepping out of it even as he pulled off his plastron, then slipped down the suspenders of his knickers, and then pulled his shirt over his head. This, at last, got Seiji’s attention. A confused and panicked sort of attention, eyes wide and wet as they stared at Nick’s bare chest in alarm. Nick took Seiji’s right hand and pressed it against his scar, a little pink and a little raised but perfectly healed. Perfectly fine. He didn’t let Seiji pull away.

“I’m fine,” Nick repeated firmly, then slid Seiji’s hand down his chest, stopping it over his heart, pressing it there hard. “I’m alive. I’m right here and you didn’t kill me and it doesn’t matter about _what-ifs_ because I’m alive and I’m fine and I’m _here._ And I’m also sorry. I was mad that you weren’t fencing the way I know you can just because of me and I didn’t think about how fucked up it must have been to think you’d killed your annoying roommate, even if you don’t like him.”

Seiji pressed his hand harder against Nick’s heartbeat, curled his fingers as if he could catch it in his hands. He closed his eyes tight, and breathed. They stayed like that for a long time, until Seiji’s shaky breaths were long and even.

“I like you,” Seiji said, opening his eyes. They weren’t spilling tears anymore but they still shone a glittery, pretty black. Nick was sure Seiji could feel the way his heart skipped a beat. His stomach flipped again too, with something just left of the panic he’d felt earlier. “You keep saying I don’t but I do. I was only trying to be nice since I’d hurt you so badly, but I thought…I thought we were friends now. Maybe I was alone in that thinking.”

Nick let out the breath he’d been holding. He felt like laughing at himself for thinking—but, no, this made more sense. And Seiji looked so genuinely hurt by Nick’s dismissal of their friendship that he didn’t even have the heart to be upset that it wasn’t a confession.

Where had _that_ thought come from? When had he started wanting a confession?

“No, we’re friends,” Nick said quickly to cover up Seiji’s hurt and his own stupid thoughts. “We definitely are.”

“You keep saying we’re not.”

“Because I’m an asshole. I mean it, Seiji, I like you too and I like being friends with you. I guess I was just scared that you’d stop being my friend as soon as the guilt wore off. I don’t want any friends out of pity, but I do want to be your friend.”

“All right.”

“And Seiji?”

“Yes?”

“I’d really like to fence you.” With this, Nick reapplied active pressure to Seiji’s hand over his heart. “What happened was a freak accident. It’s not going to happen to you again, okay? That’s statistically unlikely.”

“Actually, I’m not sure that it’s any more or less likely for it to happen to me again as compared to anyone else—,”

“Do _not_ start going all super brain on me right now. I want to fence with you. What do you think?”

“I think you’ll have to put on a shirt first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also! [Thestarminstrel](https://thestarminstrel.tumblr.com/) drew a really amazing [full on illustration](https://thestarminstrel.tumblr.com/post/622495045669584896/i-am-alive-babes) of a scene two chapters ago (yes, you're thinking of the right one;)) and I want to make sure you all see it because it's amazing, so I'm linking to it with this update too 💜💜💜


	9. Chapter 9

Williams had been impressed with Nick, she’d told him herself. And Dmytro had stopped looking at him like he was a maggot—he was _at least_ to beetle level now. Seiji was back. No more pulling punches or wavering conviction. Nick was glad for it.

The thing he wasn’t glad for was the circling thoughts about Seiji he couldn’t break out of. Seiji, sitting on the counter. Seiji, rubbing lotion into his hands. Seiji, kissing him with a steady hand protecting his healing wound. Seiji, hair blowing all over his blushing face in the wind. Seiji, hand pressed to Nick’s heart. Seiji, saying _I like you_. But not in the way Nick had thought. And, if he was being honest with himself, not in the way he wanted.

It was Seiji’s damn fault for being sweet to him, it was no wonder Nick’s dumb brain and dumber heart had gotten it all confused.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Eugene burst into the locker room, Aiden hot on his heels and both looking hungry and delighted. “Seiji—,”

Aiden cut in, “Is it true that that freshman—,”

“Jaxon Hooper,” Eugene clarified.

“—asked you out?”

Seiji looked at them with surprise that quickly turned into irritation.

“And is it true,” Eugene went on, “that you said you wouldn’t even answer that question until he learned some manners?”

“Really?” Harvard asked, usually not one for gossip but looking like he might laugh anyway.

“Jaxon has terrible manners,” Seiji said with conviction. “I had to do a group project with him and it was nearly as intolerable as I’m sure a date with him would be.”

“Yeah, they said you said that too,” Eugene laughed.

“Who said that?”

“The boys that found him crying in the bathroom.”

“He wasn’t crying in the bathroom,” Seiji dismissed.

Nick wasn’t so sure. Seiji could say some pretty cutting stuff. Seiji didn’t look like he’d have any sympathy for Jaxon either way. Nick would feel bad for the guy but it served him right for asking Seiji out.

* * *

“So,” Nick said as casually as possible that night. “If, by some miracle, Jaxon managed to scrounge up some manners and the balls to ask you out again, what _would_ you answer?”

“Don’t ask stupid questions,” Seiji told him. Their voices carried perfectly well through the curtain splitting the room but Nick sometimes wished he could see Seiji’s face as easily through it as he could hear his voice.

“Why’s it stupid?”

“Because Jaxon is intolerable.”

“So you’d turn him down.”

Seiji paused.

“Yes.”

“You thought about it,” Nick accused.

“Jaxon _is_ intolerable,” Seiji reiterated. “But, possibly, if he were actually tolerable…”

“No way, he’s a dingus, you can’t date him.”

“I don’t plan to. But he’s rather good looking, and if he was less of a—,”

“Good looking?” Nick interrupted, absorbing this new information. He hadn’t thought Seiji even had time to notice stuff like that, he always acted like he was so above it. “What about him is good looking?”

“Don’t interrupt me, it’s bad manners.” Seiji sounded grumpy. He also sounded like he was getting up.

“Where are you going?” Nick asked.

“To get ready for bed,” Seiji said shortly. Nick heard the creak of the bathroom door but it didn’t click shut. “And, in case you’ve forgotten, I _am_ gay. Jaxon is a dingus, but he’s not bad looking if you like men.”

“Sure, but—,”

The door clicked shut. Nick stuck his tongue out in its general direction. Jaxon was a dingus. And he wasn’t the sort of guy Seiji should be with. But if Seiji would consider dating _Jaxon Hooper_ on the condition that he learn some manners, then what was to stop Seiji from accepting the next passably attractive guy that asked him out?

Nick could only hope that his devil stare and prickly demeanor would keep people from trying. Because Nick didn’t want some other boy to hear Seiji’s softened voice or steal him away to a different lunch table.

But it wasn’t very friendly of him to begrudge Seiji a relationship if he wanted one.

“Shit,” Nick said aloud. He couldn’t really let Seiji be with someone else, could he?

_Not without trying first._

Nick sprang off his bed before he could think better of his decision and marched across the room.

“Seiji!” He called, pounding mercilessly on the door. It was yanked open, nearly throwing Nick off balance, and Seiji glared out at him. Fuming and dressed neck to ankle in his awful blue pajamas, Seiji looked a far cry from the boy on the bathroom counter Nick had kissed.

“I’m not done yet so you’re just going to have to be patient,” Seiji told him, stern and scolding and prickly.

“I’m awful at being patient.”

Seiji wasn’t being warm, wasn’t standing close. But Nick took his face anyway and kissed him all the same. Seiji’s hands found Nick’s arms and his fingers curled around them. He either stepped closer or pulled to make Nick step closer, it wasn’t clear. But it _was_ good. Because Seiji was kissing him. And he felt soft and warm and close now.

But he pulled away again too soon, looking flushed and a little confused.

“I can’t do this,” he said in a shocked, awful tone. “I can’t be with a boy that’s not gay, I have more self-respect than to put myself through that.”

“You keep saying that, does it really bother you so much?”

“Yes.”

_Ouch._

Nick nodded a little numbly and clumsily stepped back from Seiji.

“Right. Then forget it, I guess.”

“That’s for the best,” Seiji agreed. But Nick must have looked in bad shape because Seiji’s drawn face took on some concern as he looked at him. “I’m sorry,” he said. It was still strange to hear Seiji say that. “It’s not you, it’s—,”

“Let’s not do this,” Nick said. Pleaded. “The less I hear you say on the matter, the better. I like you better if—,”

“If you can use me as some experiment?”

“If I don’t have to hear you say shit like that, actually.”

Seiji had the nerve to look taken aback, then wounded.

“I see. I’m sorry I’m not stupid enough to fool around with a straight boy, even if that straight boy is you, but—,”

“I’m not straight, you fucking asshole,” Nick snapped.

Seiji didn’t have an immediate comeback. Nick didn’t want to hear whatever he’d come up with. It wasn’t like he wasn’t used to this attitude, wasn’t like he hadn't heard it all before. He was and he had. It was this sort of talk that had made him doubt himself constantly since he’d first noticed his feelings about boys weren't all that different from his feelings about girls. Nick was used to this…but he’d really hoped that Seiji wasn’t one of those people.

Nick spun away, but before he could stomp to bed, Seiji caught his elbow and spun him back around. He didn’t look mad anymore, just confused. And possibly worried.

“If you’re not straight, what are you?” Seiji asked with careful precision, like if he said the words wrong, Nick wouldn’t answer. And now Seiji's confusion was mirrored in Nick's own.

“I’m bi. Bisexual,” Nick answered, as carefully as Seiji had asked. When Seiji’s lips shaped out a little _oh,_ Nick felt like he was definitely missing something. “Didn’t you know?”

Hadn’t Nick mentioned once in the clubhouse that he thought he was? But that had been before he’d been hospitalized, Nick realized as he recalled the scene with Eugene’s high five and Harvard’s support and Aiden’s disinterest, back before Seiji was a constant in the clubhouse the way he was now.

“I thought—you got so worked up when Aiden and Eugene passed comments, I thought you must be uncomfortable with the idea of boys…”

“Oh. _Oh_ —no. I was just—uncomfortable with the idea of you.” Nick couldn’t have said a stupider thing if he’d tried. Seiji dropped his elbow and stepped back. _Shit_. “Because I wasn’t ready yet to admit that I liked the idea a little too much,” he hurried to continue. “I—look, it’s always been theoretical, you know? Liking boys. I’ve never—you’re the first boy I kissed. And even before I kissed you, I wanted to. But it’s like…I know how to like girls. I’ve wanted to kiss plenty of girls I’ve known but I don’t think there’s ever been a boy before that I wanted to kiss in a real way—a boy I knew in real life. I’ve known for ages that I’m bi…but only theoretically. I guess I just wasn’t expecting to be sure about it over you. So I didn’t handle the jokes well, I’m sorry for giving you mixed signals.”

“I’m not terribly efficient at reading signals even when they aren’t mixed,” Seiji said with a rueful expression that betrayed what he rarely let show; a desire to be more fluent in speaking _other people_. “I got you all wrong. I didn’t think you—I didn’t know you liked boys at all, I’m sorry for implying…” Seiji floundered. Nick saved him the trouble of figuring out the right words.

“I guess I never told you. But now you know.” Nick took Seiji’s hands and reeled him in. “I like boys. And I like you.”

“I like you too,” Seiji whispered. “I tried telling you before but I couldn’t. I was a coward.”

“Not a coward,” Nick objected. “I shouldn’t have called you that before, it wasn’t nice.”

“It was true.”

“It didn’t take any context into account so it wasn’t all the way true.”

Seiji pressed a hand to Nick’s heart. Took another step into him. Kissed him.

“I want to be very clear about something,” Seiji said, arm around Nick’s neck and mouth by his ear. “If you so much as _think,_ even for a single second, that I’m seducing you out of guilt, I’ll stab you again.”

Nick laughed, surprised and delighted at the threat.

“So you admit that you’re seducing me?”

“I admit that I am as of now.”

“It’s working,” Nick confided in hushed, conspiratorial tones. Then Seiji was pulling him and he was pulling Seiji and they were kissing, properly kissing. But there was so much more Nick suddenly wanted to do, so many possibilities opening up in this moment.

Nick tipped Seiji’s head back as he slipped away from his mouth to kiss down the slope of Seiji’s throat. When he reached the skin just above the collar of Seiji’s pajamas, he discovered that he had been wrong earlier. Seiji’s nightshirt wasn’t actually buttoned all the way up his neck, and when Nick pulled at the collar, it pulled open just enough for him to get at the spot he was intent on marking. He kissed the skin here and found it as soft as all of Seiji’s skin was. Sensitive, too, judging by the shiver that ran through him when Nick’s kisses turned to gentle nipping.

“Nick,” Seiji gasped, a hand clawing into Nick’s hair. Nick smiled, then pressed that smile against the fresh hickey on Seiji’s neck, just above his left collarbone. He loved to hear Seiji say his name like that. Here, more than ever, it felt like a truncation, like Seiji couldn’t find the air in him to say— “Nicholas!”

Nick always liked the way his name sounded from Seiji’s lips. Now, he found that he liked the soft sounds Seiji made when Nick bit lightly at those same lips a moment later as he returned to their kiss, liked the way Seiji’s fingers curled tightly into his hair, liked the way his right hand snuck up Nick’s chest a little, like it was trying to protect Nick’s scar while never getting so far he couldn’t still feel Nick’s heartbeat.

But Seiji didn’t warn Nick to be careful this time, and the kiss was left perfectly unbroken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was honestly supposed to be a gay panic story but it turned into a tedtalk about biphobia instead because I guess I just really think Nick would already know or at least suspect that he likes guys??? So thank you all for coming to my tedtalk???  
>  ~~pacat will have to pry bisexual nicholas cox from my cold, dead hands and no you can't make me shut up about it~~
> 
> For real, thank you for reading, you guys rock 💜


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